it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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