best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
