I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
