Apparently you make a good broom.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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