I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize