I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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