ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
