The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize