It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
