captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
tell me about the fingering
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