I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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