Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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