New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
