someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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