Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
