i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
