Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
