It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
