Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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