I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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