The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I don't deserve a penis
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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