Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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