Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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