he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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