You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
