He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
