you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
