She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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