Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
