the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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