It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
