I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
