Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
