i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
