Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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