I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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