I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
