I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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