Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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