There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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