I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
