If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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