my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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