It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
