I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I will die if light touches me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
