it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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