Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize