i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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