theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
