you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
