Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
