lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
