you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
