Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
