this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
