she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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